At midnight last night I found myself perched dangerously on the top of a stepladder, with one foot on top of the wardrobe. Now this may paint an image in your head of some sort of crazy sexual antics involving chandeliers, but it was nothing of the sort. I would love to tell you that it was part of a drug fuelled crazy sex game getting completely out of hand; rather it was an attempt by me to climb up into the loft to find a travel bag containing an envelope full of old letters.
Why are lofts so f*****g difficult to get into? In the house that we live in at the moment, I swear the loft hatch is only about the size of an A4 sheet of paper! I couldn’t possibly put on any more body weight as the stuff we have up there would be trapped for evermore, or at least until I went on a diet. I would have to employ a thin person to climb up there to dig out the Christmas Tree next December.
To make matters worse, I was wearing just a towelling dressing gown and everything was swinging free – if you know what I mean? If Loub chosen that moment to look round the door to see what all the noise was, she would have needed serious counselling or therapy. Climbing into lofts ‘semi-naked’ has many dangers including; splinters from rough wooden joints (ouch), and my nemesis: the wasp! A swarm of wasps attacking my nether regions whilst trapped in the confines of the loft doesn’t bear thinking about.
I do envy those people with swish ladders, which pull out from the loft hatch. Surly at my stage of life I deserve a luxury loft ladder that drops down from the ceiling with a swish of smooth greased aluminium. And maybe a light that has a long cord that dangles through from the land of water-tanks, old photo albums and empty suitcases.
And whilst on the subject; is it a loft or an attic? I’ve just had a look on the web and according to Wikipedia, ‘the major difference being that an attic typically constitutes an entire floor of the building, while a loft covers only a few rooms.’
OK, it’s an attic then? Why do I feel so posh calling it an attic?